<p>On Thursday morning, with two days work to deal with before Tenerife, I woke up with a stabbing pain in my left chest. No problem. I'd been laid odd. Then the pain crept into my left arm.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Regular readers will recall that my younger brother succumbed to a sudden, massive heart attack four years ago. When it came on, neither he nor his partner understood what was happening. I remain convinced that if they had now, he would have had medical attention 24 hours earlier and been alive today.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I understood what was happening to me, even though I didn't believe it. I called a cab and shot off to A &amp; E. They rushed me into a cubicle and took an ECG and some blood. Throughout all this, I remained convinced that it was muscle strain and I was just being cautious.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>So were they. Before long they took another ECG, more blood ... and then they admitted me. They were honest. They didn't know and they were erring on the side of caution.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I spent Thursday night in the assessment unit of Oldham Royal Hospital, where they took more blood and more ECGs. They asked a million and one questions, but I needed the answer to one question. Would I be well enough to fly to Tenerife, Saturday? No answer.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>On Friday morning, the senior doctor said the bloods showed I had not had a heart attack.&nbsp; Some relief there then, but it was short lived. They were uncertain whether it was muscle strain or angina. More tests were needed.&nbsp; In the meantime I was cleared to go on holiday, so at least we have the coming week in sub-tropical sunshine.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>But it's still there, at the back of my mind. Some of those little aches and pains I've been ignoring for so long are making themselves known, and I need to take better care of myself. If it is angina, I may need to give up truck driving. You can't have someone with a dicky-ticker hauling 32 tonnes about the roads. Even if it a muscle-pull, I need to think about the future. My job can be strenuous, but the hard graft is intermittent, with long periods of inactivity while I drive. I need to think about taking things a little easier.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Trouble is, I'm in a money trap. I earn an obscene amount of money for my work, and I enjoy that money.&nbsp; But is financial independence the be-all and end-all?</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I have a couple of weeks to think about it, and the first of those weeks will be spent 2,000 miles south, where it's a bit warmer than Oldham.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>By the time most of you get out of bed to read this, Her Indoors and I will be at the airport fighting our way through the absurd rules and over-regulation governing air travel. By the time United kick off against Burnley, we will be hurtling down the runway determined to get into the air before we end up on the M56, and by the time United have given Burnley a lesson in how to play the game, we shall somewhere over the Bay of Biscay arguing over whether we want to pay for the in-flight movie. <em>(I believe it's Hopalong Cassidy v The Keystone Cops this week.)</em></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>While you're settling down, in front of an open fire, ready to take in your weekly dose of Ice Dancing or You've Been Framed, we shall be shivering in the 70+ degrees of the Canary Islands, trying to work to how we will survive a week of hot weather.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Somewhere between today and next Saturday, I will pass the big 6-0 and I'm looking forward to getting back when I will enjoy free prescriptions, free swimming and my bus pass.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>A week from now, while you are all safely tucked up in bed, we shall get back to Manchester at half one in the morning, working out how we're going to pay for the money we have spent in Tenerife. I shall be armed with traveller's tales of woe and numerous piccies of a Canary Island winter.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>See you all in a week, but if I can find a decent internet caf&eacute; in Las Americas, I may just post an interim report on my pulled muscle/angina.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>In the meantime, you know the script. Be good, if you can't be good, be careful, if you can't be careful, try knitting Manchester City scarves. You won't make much money, but at least it will keep your hands occupied.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>See you in a week.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Footnote: the weather forecast for Tenerife tomorrow is wall to wall sunsine, 25 degrees during the day, 15 degrees at night. The forecast for Oldham is wall to wall sunshine, 7 degrees during the day, 3 degrees during the night. I may feel a twinge of concsience ... as long as it's only my conscience.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--></p> <p>We're on the final countdown to Tenerife and DW's big 6-0.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I took an extra day's holiday today. I had to have my blood pressure checked, and I had some Tenerife-type odds and sods I needed to deal with. Above all I didn't fancy going back to work and cranking up those cold engines. I didn't fancy going back to work, full stop.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>My blood pressure was normal. Given what followed it's a good job I went there first, or it would have been through the roof.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Over the past few days we learned that the airline will not allow us to take one suitcase on a shared weight allowance. If we took one, we would have 15kg between us. To get the full allowance, we needed to take two cases. Problem: we only have one case. Solution: "After your blood pressure check, go out and buy a case."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Never one to upset Her Indoors, I did as I was told and after coming out of the doctor's I went looking for a small suitcase.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"I want one suitcase," I told the shop assistant after she tried to sell me one for slightly more than a month's rent. "I didn't ask for shares in the company."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Waiting for more shops to open, I had other duties to attend. Picking up foreign currency and picking our seats on the plane; something I had quite forgotten to do when I booked. Not good enough. Ma'am insists we must sit together all the way there and back. Even if it does cost an extra &pound;50. I'd have paid them &pound;75 to sit her at the back and me at the front.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>After giving me a discount rate (but they didn't say what) on &euro;500, the travel agent told me it was too late to change the tickets, unless I contacted the airline direct. I dialled the number and spent five minutes listening to adverts for services I did not want. Who goes to Canada at this time of year? Don't we have enough snow of our own? At the end of this promo message, a recorded voice said, "All our operators are busy, please try later," and cut me off. Blood pressure now up five points.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Back I went to the travel agent and asked whether I could do it online.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"Nope. You have to speak to them."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I tried again, same result.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Spitting blood and curses, I returned to the search for a suitcase and found one for a tenner in a shop outside the market hall. Satisfied, I came out, slipped on the cardboard he had put down to prevent customers slipping on the ice and ended up flat on my back. He was full of apologies, which I told him to save for my lawyers before going on my way.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Still minus the seats together, now in pain with my knees, left elbow and neck, which I reckon should be worth about 10k, my blood pressure was on its way through the roof. I picked Her Indoors up from work whereupon she declared the suitcase a rip off at ten quid, and totally unsuitable for a week in Tenerife because it was too small.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The argument went on all the way home where I finally settled it by telling her, "I spent six months in Filey and all I took was a Tesco carrier bag."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"It's got wheels," she said, "and our big case doesn't have wheels."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>It was only after I showed her the wheels on the large case that she finally shut up and left me to tend to my injuries.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>And the seats together? Remember the travel agent said you couldn't do it online? I did it online at three this afternoon.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p>Just a quick post from San Eugenio, Tenerife, to let you know that it was the best seven hundred quid I ever spent. Carol told me to say that.</p> <p>Seriously folks,&nbsp;I am enjoying the balmy 25-30 degrees, a good rest and I&acute;ve even found a decent pint of John Smith&acute;s bitter.&nbsp; Carol and I have falen in love with the Canaries for the second time in our lives (it&acute;s 23 years since we were last here).</p> <p>As usual, it&acute;s not without its quirks. We got stuck in the lift. Only after we were trapped did we see the sign with letters four inches high reading OUT OF ORDER and it was in English not Spanish.</p> <p>I&nbsp;shall be back on sunday with more tales of terror and a few piccies. In the meantime, thank you for all the birthday wishes both here and on Facebook. This is the best 60th birthday I&acute;ve ever had.</p>

<p>Just a quick update from the island of eternal don&acute;t give a toss.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Scorching temperatues, topless sunbathers (not me) hot food, cool beer and I am missng home ....<strong>NOT!!!<img src="plugins/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" /></strong></p>

<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--></p> <p>I can't put it off any longer. I have to bury the ghost of Tenerife and I can only do that by burdening you lot with it. You deserve it.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Most of you will be aware that we went in January for a week. Bad as that was, Her Indoors decided that I needed a further two weeks of purgatory which is why we went back. For reference, I got my tan in Skegness, and I only went to Tenerife to top it up. Someone has to go there.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We landed at 12 noon in temperatures of 90-100 degrees ... and I was dressed for Manchester, complete with vest, shirt, cardigan and a body warmer. The missus has been a diet junkie for years and I found the perfect way of shedding weight. It's called dragging two suitcases which really needed heavy haulage to move them half a mile to the bus.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We hit the hotel at two o' clock and within seconds, the clothing was gone replaced by a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. Unfortunately, the shorts and shirt were still in the cases and the curtains were open causing a German woman in the hotel opposite to send for the police. By the time they arrived I was dressed and able to deny all knowledge.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>As usual they missus was on their side. "What will people think?" she said.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I replied, "Considering they're thinking it in Spanish and I don't speak a word, I don't really care."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The heat was like that all week. Oppressive. Apparently it's to do with the wind coming in off the Sahara, which is only 100 miles to the east.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"It brings the sand which traps the heat," the hotel receptionist told us.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"All that sand? So when does the cement arrive?" I asked, but she didn't understand.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We took a round the island excursion on the first Thursday. Our guide was a young German named Pieter. Thirty years old, six feet seven without his socks. When we got off the bus to see the 850-year old dragon tree at Icod, he said, "it's short walk and there's a slight incline.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>At his altitude it was a lot shorter walk than the one I took, and what was a slight incline to him was like the north face of Mt Teide to me. The tree is pictured above. Some say it's 3,000 years old, but more scholarly individuals claim that it is a mere stripling of 850 years. It doesn't look a day over 500 years old to me.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The tour then took us to the church of the Black Madonna in Candalaria. They let the wife in, but not me. They must have heard the names I was calling our guide as he dashed off ahead of us.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We had one day of rain, which cooled the air a little ... but not much. Every day the temp was up between 90-100 degrees.&nbsp; The only cool spot I could find was in the bar of the Rumpot, where fortunately, Taffy, the manager and one of the most genial and talented guitarists/singers on the island, keeps a cool pint of Tetley bitter. Better still, his wife comes from the same area of Leeds as me, so she understood every word I said.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I did really well with the smoking. I was back up to 40 a day&nbsp; but I was picking them up for 70 cents a packet and I saved a fortune.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>There were downsides, though. My health is deteriorating rapidly, and I don't mean my breathing problem. They're my own stupid bloody fault. I mean my mobility. I cannot walk any more than about 50 yards now, and whether seated, stood, moving or still, I am in constant pain.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>An old workmate of mine, Alan, turned up with his wife Janice, after we'd been there a week, and it was great to see him. We had seven nights of old fashioned United vs City banter <em>(he's a dedicated City fan, but otherwise a sound bloke.)</em> I don't know what he must have thought seeing the way I have gone downhill.&nbsp; But then again, he's a City man and like the Spanish, he speaks a different language to me, so I'm not losing any sleep over it.</p> <p>There's a small album of piccies kicking around on the site. I'd give you the url but I can't be bothered.</p> <p>All in all, I came home brown as a berry and knee deep in debt, but I'm not deterred. Well I am, but the missus isn't. We'll be going back next year.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p>I think you may be ready for the next dose of Canary Island catastrophe.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Because of my inability to walk far, we spent most of our time idling round the pool and people watching. There was one girl, slim and pretty thing she was, but if my chest swelled like that, I'd be on antibiotics.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The missus stripped down to her cozzy, but I told her to keep her skirt on.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"You don't mind looking at their backsides," she protested.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"That's true," I agreed, "but then, they don't blot out the sun when they turn over."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I watched these clowns, playing water polo and I thought, even my dog's not daft enough to chase a ball through water. He won't go out in the rain.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I mean, when I was a teenager and you went on holiday with your mates to Cleethorpes, you didn't frolic in the sea looking for a ball. Mind, the sea never actually gets anywhere near the front at Cleethorpes. In fact, it's so far out, I'm convinced it's still in Holland. Back in those days we were looking for girls who might want to play different games.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Three young women were topless sunbathing quite nearby. Buxom girls, all of them. I noticed the nearest one had crooked toes. A gust of wind blew their parasol blew inside out. I straightened it for them. The youngest one who had the crooked toes thanked me and said she couldn't understand how it had happened. I took a page from my notebook, did a rough diagram and a basic pressure differential calculation to demonstrate the principles of aerodynamics. They were really interested. I could tell by the way they kept checking my maths on the calculators of their mobiles phones.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Her Indoors was eyeing up some musclebound poser showing off round the pool. I told her, I said, "what makes you think he'd look twice at leather skinned old sow like you?"</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>After thanking me for the compliment, she said, "It's a pity you don't have a physique like his."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"It's all a matter of perception," I replied. "As it happens I have exactly the same physique as him. It's just arranged differently."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>One interesting little snippet to come out of our stay was the meaning of the word Tenerife. The original inhabitants were called Guancha. Rife is their word for snow. Tene is Spanish and means "we have". Therefore, Tenerife means, "we have snow." On that basis I live in Tenerife, Manchester every winter.</p>

<p>&nbsp;</p> <p>When we go to Tenerife, we stay in the same place. Not only is the area flat, but under the apartment complex there is a parade of restaurants and right across the road is pub: The Rumpot.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Run by Steve "Taff" Martin and his wife Karen, it's the best place on the island. Taff sits on his little stool, plays the guitar, sings and generally takes the mick with the audience from nine until about ten, then hands over to whatever act he has booked for the night, before picking up the mike again to run the karaoke from about 11:15 until closing time.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>He's a talented lad, is Taff. Not only does he play the guitar left-handed, but he knows just about every song from the 1950s clear up to the 80s. He even beats me. (I fell out with music after Abba.) He employs by some of the friendliest bar staff I've ever met. I went in there every night for a fortnight and not once did they threaten to chuck me out.&nbsp; Finally, he serves the best pint of Tetley Bitter I've tasted in many a year, and I know about Tetley Bitter. I grew up near the brewery.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>While we there an old friend emailed me telling me he'd be in Tenerife was week after we left. I told him where to find me and on the Saturday after we arrived, Alan and his wife Janice turned up at the Rumpot.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>He's a sound lad, Alan. A City supporter, but then nobody's perfect. I've a sneaking respect for Mancini myself. I especially liked the theme from <em>The Pink Panther</em>. Meeting Alan and his charming wife every night for a week made a pleasant change from arguing with the missus on my own, and Her Indoors took the opportunity to spread more malicious rumours about me, but fortunately, Alan knew the truth in advance. He knows I've always been a waste of space.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>By a stroke of fortune, Alan &amp; Janice were staying at Laguna Park II while we were in Laguna Park I. The similarities end there. Although it's just up the road from version I, Laguna Park II is also just up a hill that is as steep as the east face of the Great Pyramid of Cheops. According to Janice, the road is known as Cardiac Hill and I can see why. Even the thought of walking up there was almost enough to give me the heart attack I didn't have in January.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I say I fell out with music after Abba, but there is one exception. Meatloaf. The Rumpot puts on many shows and on the Thursday before we came home, it was a Meatloaf lookalike. For my money, Paul Lee was more of a soundalike, but he was bang on the button as Meatloaf and really had that place rocking ... especially when he sang <em>Nessun Dorma</em> from <em>Turandot</em>.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Even I was tempted to get up and start bopping to Puccini ... fortunately for everyone, my knees were playing me up so I settled for another pint of Tetley Bitter.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Even the missus agreed that Alan &amp; Janice, the Rumpot and Paul Lee helped make the holiday a little more bearable.</p>