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<p class="MsoNormal">Several millennia ago, when I used to fly regularly all over
Europe, I would pop along to the travel agent, ask for a flight to Tenerife,
and they would sell me one. “There you go, boss. £150 sovs. Have a nice time.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Last February, in a desperate effort to keep the missus
quiet, we flew off to Amsterdam for the weekend. The travel agent quoted me the
price and that was it. No charge for luggage, no charge for checking in, and
the meal <em>(it was quick meal, the flight lasted less than an hour)</em> was included
in the price. That was with a proper airline (KLM)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Having spent the last 7 days trying to find a holiday in the
Canaries for next January, I notice that things have changed. Booking flights
has become the biggest con since the power/water sell off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I go online, I find a nice cheap flight, say £100. But
that’s one way. I need to come back and I find that it costs me another £90.
Over and above that, assuming I won’t hang around in the same pair of Y-fronts
for a week, I’ll need one or two changes of clothing, for which I need luggage
and it’s going to cost me an extra £20 to shove a suitcase in the hold. Then
there is the check-in charge of about £25.00. Hang on. It’s not me who says I
have to check in, it’s the airport, so why are you billing me for it? Then I may
want a bite to eat on the plane, and that’s anything from £7.50 to £15.00. One
company were going to bill me for the in-flight magazine.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The all up price shot from £100 to over £250 in a couple of
clicks of the mouse. And it’s not just the cheap flight wallahs. When checking
out package deals, they were just the same.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What really worries me is that other industries will follow
this lead.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong>The petrol station:</strong> “Right boss, your fuel is 36p per
litre, you’ve had 50 litres, that’s eighteen nicker. Add government tax of 64p
per litre, tuppence a litre for my checking the price on the readout, and I
noticed you had a quick shufti at the headlines on today’s Daily Mirror so
that’ll be another thruppence per litre, let’s call it sixty quid for cash.”
<em>(Kerching , opens cash register.)</em> “Aye thenkyow. Have a nice day.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong>The supermarket:</strong> “Right chief, your groceries come to
seventeen quid, then there’s VAT on applicable items, that’ll be another three
pounds twenty pee, wear and tear on the trolley wheels, forty six pence, your
share of the ink we used producing your bill, tuppence, and your contribution
towards our electricity bill, thirty three pounds and twelve pence. All up
bill, £53.80. Thank you for shopping with us.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">How about</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong>T</strong><strong>he hairdressers:</strong> “Okay, sir. One short back and
sides, two pounds fifty. Depreciation on the chair, a pound, sharpening my
scissors, fifteen pence, electricity, a pound, you’ve been listening to the
radio, that’s entertainment, call it another pound, the benefit of my
religious/medical/political/sporting/ wisdom, thirty five pence. Regular
customer discount, fifty pence, and that comes to four pounds fifty, plus VAT,
Council Tax contribution and your share of my cleaner’s wages, five pounds
fifty pee. Anything for the weekend, sir?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Right now, I’m seriously considering a weekend in
Scarborough to celebrate my 60th.</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span>We all know that I’m easy going to a fault.
I never get irritated or annoyed and I wouldn’t say boo to a goose.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>But the renewal date for my car insurance
is coming up and as usual my broker sent me a reminder. Last year, the
insurance for my 1 litre Citroen Saxo was £240. I played hell, I’ve been
driving 35 years and never made a claim. This year I expected it go up a few
coppers, especially considering I’ve bought a new car with a slightly larger
engine. At the same time, the broker has been taken over by a PLC.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>I was slightly miffed to find that the
price had gone up from an outrageous £240 to £503. Read that again, it is not a
typo. FIVE HUNDRED AND THREE POUNDS, an increase of slightly under 110%.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>I almost lost the plot. I said, “Tsk,” and
reached for the phone.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>“Why,” I demanded after dialling, “when all
I want is insurance for my car, am I being quoted for the Space Shuttle?”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>Sadly I was talking to an automated
response, which told me that my call could to be taken at the moment and I
could not leave a message.<span> </span>If they’ve
sent out quotes like this to all their other punters, I’m not surprised they
don’t want messages left. The answerphone would melt.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>I did a little research into the new parent
company and learned nothing. Other than their share price is 54. I didn’t read
through the prospectus, but I’m sure that somewhere in there will be the line,
“if we can sucker more berks like DW to poppy up, we’ll double that price in
under 12 months.”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>Living in Britain, I’m used to being ripped
off on the price of everything from corn plasters to gas and electricity, and
I’m used to the usual excuses from politicians —<em> there’s not a lot we can do
about it other than help ourselves to a huge pay rise and increased expenses</em> —
and global greed merchants — <em>we can’t help it if the cost of raw materials has
doubled to thruppence a ton, so we’re adding a tenner to your daily gas bill</em> — but
even by their standards this is blatant extortion. And what’s worse is I can’t
give them a piece of my mind about it.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>I’ve been with the same broker for getting
on 20 years. I’ve got news for you guys. I’m not bothering with your renewal. I
went online and found a price that was actually a couple of quid cheaper than
last year … for a bigger, newer car.<span> </span>Ergo, you can stick your renewal quote where the sun doesn’t shine.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p> </p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span>I carried out the general wander around our
megamarket this morning and on the list were crackers.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>As I scanned the shelves, I noticed that
the low fat variety were tuppence dearer than the ordinary, boring, full fat
crackers.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>What I know about cream crackers you can
write on the back of postage stamp and still leave room for this post, but
isn’t the fat cut down before these biscuits are baked?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>In that case, why am I being asked to pay
tuppence more for less?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>This is such an outrage I may every well
write to my MP, and once again I’m compelled to wonder what would happen if
this practice were applied to other industries.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>The Motor Industry:</span></strong><span> For the environmentally aware driver, the standard 4-cylinder, 13cc
engine can be replaced by a 3-cylinder, 954cc, at a cost of £1,000.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>The Restaurant:</span></strong><span> don’t worry if you suffer from high blood pressure. All our meals
can be prepared with less salt. (There is a 10% surcharge for this service.)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>The IVF Clinic:</span></strong><span> We specialise in twins. If you only want one baby there is a
premium of £4,000 to be paid (in advance).</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Low-Cost Flights:</span></strong><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> Our standard charge for hand baggage is £25 and we strongly advise
you to take advantage of this because if you travel without hand baggage, we’ll
charge you £30.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal
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<p>Well it's that time of year again when all
the little pains in the butt come knocking on my door chanting "trick or
treat." My response is always the same. "Clear off or I'll treat you to a neat
little trick involving my boot and your backside."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Halloween is an American tradition ... not
quite. The <em>exploitation</em> of Halloween is an American tradition, which is
very strange. They claim to be one of the most god-fearing countries in the
world so why do they celebrate what is, after all, a pagan ritual? It's only a
couple of hundred years since they were hanging witches.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>According to my <em>(admittedly skimpy)</em> research, Halloween is a corruption of All Hallows Eve, the night before All
Saint Day, but it has its roots in Celtic tradition which sees it as the end of
summer." They must have been working from the same calendar as me <em>(1957)</em>.
According to reality, summer began on June 21st and ended on July 11, the day I
went away on the annual holliers to Mablethorpe, when the entire country was
swamped by globally warmed rain.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hardline Christians consider Halloween a
travesty of religious observance, Wiccans consider Halloween an insult to
"real" witches and the guy who runs our paper shop considers Halloween to be
that time when he makes humungous profits. <em>(He's Muslim, has his priorities
right.)</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>I consider Halloween second only to
Christmas in its ability to wind up my temper. So here's a bit of advice for
all you little children thinking of knocking on doors while dressed as little
monsters <em>(I don't' know why they bother dressing up. Most of them are little
monsters anyway.)</em> What lies behind my door is hundreds of times more
frightening than anything you or tired Hollywood directors can dream up. Don't
bother knocking. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>PS: it's become a real nuisance, so we've
decided <em>(and by we I mean Her Indoors)</em> to clear off ourselves. We're going to
Amsterdam for the weekend, but more of that tomorrow.</p>
<p> </p>
Tags: holidays flight con rip off humour rip off insurance mug food prices rip off halloween trick treat sod off
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Not satisfied with the disaster that was a
week in Mablethorpe, Her Indoors has had me planning future tales of terror.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">In February last year we went on a romantic
weekend to Amsterdam which thanks to freezing temperatures and a busted left
knee turned out to have less romance than a month in Doncaster.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">In order to make up for that fiasco, we’re
going on another weekend jaunt to Amsterdam, by boat this time, and on
Halloween, which is probably more apposite than Valentine’s Day giving the
horrors I have to endure.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Regular readers will know that we went on a
minicruise to Bilbao last November and Ma’am was seasick ... while we were
moored in Portsmouth. Never let it be said that my wife is a coward. Stupid,
possibly, but she has serious bottle and we’re going to Amsterdam by boat.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">As if that I not enough I hit the big 6-0
in January and to celebrate, she’s taking me to Tenerife for a week of sun,
sand, sangria and se … yes well never mind. All I have to do is pay the bills.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">So I spent yesterday finding a cheap
apartment (done) and a cheap fight (almost done.) and I was almost done on the
flight. I found one out of Manchester at a reasonable time of day and it was
only £99 return each.<span> </span>Then I checked a
little further. If we want to take along trivia like a change of clothing, the
bill goes up-, and then there’s the check in fee, which costs more than a
week’s rent, and other bits and pieces they add on just for the hell of it. By
the time I had finished, the original £198 had risen to just under £400.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Wise folk will know that you can only take
the mick with me once and that company will never get me on one of their
Lancasters, not even if they let me sit next to the bomb-aimer.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->Finally, Ma’am is already talking about
next summer and a week in Poole, where we will no doubt be plagued by children
and idiot entertainers again. But Poole, which was my choice, has one thing
going for it: a ferry to Cherbourg. And when I get there, I might not bother
coming back. </span></p>
<p> </p>
Tags: holidays flight con rip off humour rip off insurance mug food prices rip off halloween trick treat sod off holiday boat plane rip off
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<p>Exactly one year ago today, Her
Indoors and I jumped on a plane and cleared off to Tenerife for a fortnight. Regular
readers will know that we usually disappear three or four times a year. With retirement
tightening the wallet a bit, we decided to ease up this year and we haven't
been away at all... until now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And it's been a long haul.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tomorrow, however, while you lot are
thinking about hanging out your washing in the freezing rain, we will be
basking in the glorious sunshine and sweltering temperatures of... Mablethorpe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There is a reason why we chose Mablethorpe
over Tenerife. Nothing to do with the cost of the holiday. They work out about
the same. It's all to do with rip off insurance companies and airlines.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When I inquired about insurance for
a week in Tenerife, they said because I've been tested for a heart condition,
they'd have to up the premium. £200. FOR A WEEK!!!! Then because I use a Ventolin
inhaler, they'd need to carry oxygen on the plane there and back. £300. HOW
MUCH!!!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With my usual bluntness I told them
where they could stick the insurance and if it hurt, they could use the oxygen
to ease the pain. I never had a heart attack and I need no more assistance with
my breathing than the occasional shot from the Ventolin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Having got that from my doctor, I rang
another insurance company and they quoted me, £40. But by then, we'd already
booked the caravan in Lincolnshire. So tomorrow we drive off to Mablethorpe for
a week of frolicking round Skegness, Boston and Lincoln. We're going to Tenerife
in January.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So for now, be good, and if you can't
be good be careful, and if you can't be careful, read <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B005MSBSEC"><strong>Flatcap - Grumpy Old Blogger</strong></a> (available for your Kindle at the
click of a mouse). It'll take your mind off other things.</p>
Tags: holidays flight con rip off humour rip off insurance mug food prices rip off halloween trick treat sod off holiday boat plane rip off holiday mablethorpe insurance rip off
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