<p>On Thursday morning, with two days work to deal with before Tenerife, I woke up with a stabbing pain in my left chest. No problem. I'd been laid odd. Then the pain crept into my left arm.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Regular readers will recall that my younger brother succumbed to a sudden, massive heart attack four years ago. When it came on, neither he nor his partner understood what was happening. I remain convinced that if they had now, he would have had medical attention 24 hours earlier and been alive today.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I understood what was happening to me, even though I didn't believe it. I called a cab and shot off to A &amp; E. They rushed me into a cubicle and took an ECG and some blood. Throughout all this, I remained convinced that it was muscle strain and I was just being cautious.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>So were they. Before long they took another ECG, more blood ... and then they admitted me. They were honest. They didn't know and they were erring on the side of caution.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I spent Thursday night in the assessment unit of Oldham Royal Hospital, where they took more blood and more ECGs. They asked a million and one questions, but I needed the answer to one question. Would I be well enough to fly to Tenerife, Saturday? No answer.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>On Friday morning, the senior doctor said the bloods showed I had not had a heart attack.&nbsp; Some relief there then, but it was short lived. They were uncertain whether it was muscle strain or angina. More tests were needed.&nbsp; In the meantime I was cleared to go on holiday, so at least we have the coming week in sub-tropical sunshine.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>But it's still there, at the back of my mind. Some of those little aches and pains I've been ignoring for so long are making themselves known, and I need to take better care of myself. If it is angina, I may need to give up truck driving. You can't have someone with a dicky-ticker hauling 32 tonnes about the roads. Even if it a muscle-pull, I need to think about the future. My job can be strenuous, but the hard graft is intermittent, with long periods of inactivity while I drive. I need to think about taking things a little easier.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Trouble is, I'm in a money trap. I earn an obscene amount of money for my work, and I enjoy that money.&nbsp; But is financial independence the be-all and end-all?</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I have a couple of weeks to think about it, and the first of those weeks will be spent 2,000 miles south, where it's a bit warmer than Oldham.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>By the time most of you get out of bed to read this, Her Indoors and I will be at the airport fighting our way through the absurd rules and over-regulation governing air travel. By the time United kick off against Burnley, we will be hurtling down the runway determined to get into the air before we end up on the M56, and by the time United have given Burnley a lesson in how to play the game, we shall somewhere over the Bay of Biscay arguing over whether we want to pay for the in-flight movie. <em>(I believe it's Hopalong Cassidy v The Keystone Cops this week.)</em></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>While you're settling down, in front of an open fire, ready to take in your weekly dose of Ice Dancing or You've Been Framed, we shall be shivering in the 70+ degrees of the Canary Islands, trying to work to how we will survive a week of hot weather.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Somewhere between today and next Saturday, I will pass the big 6-0 and I'm looking forward to getting back when I will enjoy free prescriptions, free swimming and my bus pass.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>A week from now, while you are all safely tucked up in bed, we shall get back to Manchester at half one in the morning, working out how we're going to pay for the money we have spent in Tenerife. I shall be armed with traveller's tales of woe and numerous piccies of a Canary Island winter.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>See you all in a week, but if I can find a decent internet caf&eacute; in Las Americas, I may just post an interim report on my pulled muscle/angina.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>In the meantime, you know the script. Be good, if you can't be good, be careful, if you can't be careful, try knitting Manchester City scarves. You won't make much money, but at least it will keep your hands occupied.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>See you in a week.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Footnote: the weather forecast for Tenerife tomorrow is wall to wall sunsine, 25 degrees during the day, 15 degrees at night. The forecast for Oldham is wall to wall sunshine, 7 degrees during the day, 3 degrees during the night. I may feel a twinge of concsience ... as long as it's only my conscience.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p>&nbsp;</p> <p>My mate Jim goes away for a week tomorrow. I've had to advise him. Great Yarmouth is not the best place in the world at the height of summer. In April it'll look even more like an industrial estate with sand.</p> <p><br />With this in mind, and the main holiday season bearing down upon us, I thought it only right to offer advice on the modern holiday, particularly in the area of communication.</p> <p><br />There's a tradition in England that when you go away for week's holiday, you jack up the Royal Mail profits by sending postcards to all and sundry. "Having a good time, weather great, food marvellous, wish you were here." You know the kind of thing I mean.</p> <p><br />I prefer to tell the truth. "Place crap, weather worse, beer and food even worse, glad you're not here." But that's only if I could be bothered to send a postcard, which I couldn't.</p> <p><br />It's the best advice I can give. Especially when it comes to sending them to work. Send your colleagues a postcard and you risk being branded a sad sod. Most of your colleagues already know you are sad, <em>you </em>know you're sad, but there's need to reinforce it, is there?</p> <p><br />My missus feels obliged to send a card to each of her workmates, which is a coup for the Royal Mail. She sends off 16 cards, all the same<em> (she doesn't want anyone to feel they're favoured)</em>, all to the same address, and the postman delivers them all in one hit. How's that for ergonomics.</p> <p><br />These days I do send texts, but they cost me nothing. They're a part of my mobile contract. The format is precisely the same. "Weather crap, food garbage, beer awful, glad ur not here. BTW did that 5-gallon drum of degreaser arrive yet?" The last line is malleable. If you work in an office, you could ask, "have those ballpoints turned up yet?" if you work in a warehouse, it could be, "did anyone find that stock of corsets?" Adapt it to suit your circumstances.</p> <p><br />And send it to one person only. Every place of employment has a text grapevine, so it's guaranteed that everyone will get the message.</p> <p><br />Finally, don't send a multimedia message. I sent one to my son and a month later I learned that not only were they not included in my contract but it cost me a pound. A POUND?? A postcard would have been cheaper.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p>&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Passengers on a flight from Mallorca to Newcastle were asked to move seats and act as ballast because one of the baggage hold doors was jammed. Shuffling the passengers around would help keep the plane level.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">&nbsp;</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Surely they could have done that by getting a few out there, wing walking. Or maybe they should have just left all the luggage in Palma. It&rsquo;s what usually happens to mine.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">&nbsp;</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">A number of passengers refused to board the plane for fear that the jammed door might open in flight. One passenger who brought this up with the captain said the pilot did not understand.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">&nbsp;</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Well he should. I&rsquo;ve seen Airport 80 &ndash; Concorde, and I know what happens when luggage doors come open. George Kennedy and Alain Delon had to land Concorde on an Alpine ski run.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">&nbsp;</span></p> <p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">The captain of the Palma-Newcastle flight would have had a problem, mind. There are no ski slopes in northern England, but there are alternatives. In an emergency, he could have aimed for the slag heaps in South Yorkshire, or he could have even touched down on the A1M &hellip;but he&rsquo;d have to watch out for the roadworks near Rainton</span></p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p>&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I&rsquo;ve had a hell of a day and my wallet has been cut off at the plastic.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">My trusty rust bucket, a 9-year old Citroen Saxo has been acting the fool just lately. Aside from a new exhaust, the heater fan has gone, along with the rear screen heater. The seat rack on the driver&rsquo;s side is broken so that if I set off too quickly, the car goes forward, I slide backwards to a point where I can no longer reach the pedals, the car stops, stalls and the driver behind gets the hump until I threaten to stuff him up his own exhaust pipe, after which I go back to swearing at the car.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Beyond this the driver&rsquo;s door is warped and although it closes properly, there is a gap behind my arm which, when I&rsquo;m stationery, gives some insight into the old joke about I don&rsquo;t know where the wind comes from but I know where it&rsquo;s going.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The back bumper is held in place by two self-tappers and comes off every time I go through the car wash and I&rsquo;ve lost the code for the radio. All up it needs about &pound;400 spending on it before the cold weather comes in, and none of these problems are major.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">So I&rsquo;ve had to bite the bullet and go for a replacement. I&rsquo;ve laid out 2k for a Ford Ka on a 53 plate, and I wouldn&rsquo;t mind, but I hate these bloody cars. Now I own one &hellip; or I will when I clear finance.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">It also means that any plans I had for early retirement are in the bin, along with the Citroen Saxo.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Not content with taking an arm and a leg off me for more up to date transport, the gods made sure that the holiday fiasco also weighed on me until by lunchtime today (Saturday) I had had enough. So I marched into the travel agents and demanded that they find me a week&rsquo;s holiday in Tenerife in January at a price I could afford.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No hidden extras,&rdquo; I demanded. &ldquo;I want the all-up cost, up front.&rdquo;</p> <p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">And they did it. Well, almost. There&rsquo;s some debate about the &ldquo;price I can afford&rdquo; aspect, but that aside, the young woman cobbled together a package deal that was at least fifty quid cheaper than any of the bills I came up with faffing about on the web this last week.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">So on January 16th, next year, while you lot continue to shiver in the depths of a British winter, Ma&rsquo;am and I will take our new secondhand car to the airport and jet off to the Canaries for a week in the sub-tropical snows of Mt Teide.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Only trouble is, I need that week now to recover from an amputated wallet.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--></p> <p>Well, friends, it's Monday morning. I've been back just over 24 hours and it's time to get back on the horse.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We landed in Manchester at 1:30 Sunday morning. By the time our taxi driver got us home, it was 2:30. Normally, holidays are a nightmare and I'm glad to be back. I can't say that this time. To leave Tenerife in glorious sunshine, temperature +22 and land at Ringway in glorious fog, temperature +2, is not a pleasure.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Overall the holiday was up to its usual Robinson standard. Just short of a disaster. It was made doubly difficult by the fact that Her Indoors speaks no Spanish and mine is very basic, most of it learned from Manuel in Fawlty Towers.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The problems began before we even boarded the plane, when the check in clerk asked, "has anyone asked you to carry anything aboard for them?" to which I replied, "I have enough with the missus treating me like a pack mule, never mind carry gear on for other buggers."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I don't like flying. It's not that I'm scared. I understand enough about the mechanics of flight and the operation of airlines to know what's happening when we take off, cruise and land. When the engines die off early into the flight I know the plane is not about to fall out of the sky. The pilot has just eased off the gas to give him more efficiency in the thinner air.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>My objection to flying, especially on charter flights, is simple. I don't like playing sardines with 180 other passengers in an elongated cigar tube. On the other hand, what are you gonna do? The 83 bus doesn't go to Tenerife <em>(come to think of it the 83 bus doesn't even get to our estate half the time.)</em></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Crammed into row 4 of our Airbus A320 for 4&frac12; hours, my knees began to react. When I'm still for a long time, the ligaments begin to react, and they did this time. Somewhere over the Brest Peninsula my right knee began to jerk and before long I was doing a passable impression of Jack Douglas' Fred Ippititimus.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Talking to the chap in the adjacent seat, I did manage to plug <em>The Haunting of Melmerby Manor</em> and <em>Twaddle</em>, so it wasn't an entire loss, but I'd bought a copy of Philip K Dick's <em>"Do Androids dream of Electric Sheep"</em> for the journey and I spent so long talking to him and the missus, that I read only a couple of pages.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>You all know I'm hard of hearing. Well no one told my ears. 60 miles out we were still at 33,000 feet. Then the pilot went into a power dive and the pressure in my eardrums would not equalise. This left me in agony and completely deaf. Therefore when Ma'am held up a bottle of scent and said, "that was dirt cheap at &pound;100," I thought she said,&nbsp; "tat ross third sheep ah bun nun read lounge."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>It makes no sense, but it's par for the course for Her Indoors, so I ignored her ... until I checked my wallet. We were having the first argument as we wandered through passport control.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>There were many more to come, but I'll save those for another time.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>For now, let me make two recommendations. Normally I don't recommend anywhere, because most restaurants and bars don't recommend my books.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>If&nbsp; you're in Las Americas, particularly San Eugenio, try Chaplins restaurant. The food is excellent, the service friendly, and the price reasonable. When you're well fed, cross the road and hit the Rumpot. They serve an excellent pint of John Smith's Bitter and there's entertainment from 9p.m.-1.a.m every night. Taffy, the compere, runs through a whole repertoire of 60s and 70s stuff, and is not shy with the fly remarks. The girls behind the bar are fast with the pumps and even faster taking your money, but it's all done with a smile, and the entertainers they bring in are top notch, even if you've never heard of them before. Every night they round up with an hour or so of karaoke, so if you fancy giving them your rendition of <em>Nessun Dorma</em>, get up and sing.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I couldn't give you the address of either of these places, but they were right outside our hotel, Laguna Park 1.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>In the meantime, let me test your powers of observation.&nbsp; Here are two photographs taken at Roques de Garcia. Taken 23 years apart, they comprise The Finger of God, the Balancing Rock and the peak of Mt Teide.&nbsp; Ignoring my Missus, my sister in law and her daughter in the first photograph, can you spot the difference?</p> <p style="text-align: center;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img src="media/images/apad/11_393790c8bc7a32b5.jpg" border="0" width="350" height="237" /></p> <p style="text-align: center;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img src="media/images/apad/11_393790c8bc7a32b5_1.jpg" border="0" width="350" height="188" /></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>That's right. Mt Teide has shifted considerably to the right, much like my politics.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Of course, the mountain hasn't really moved. As you'll see from the third photograph, this time uncropped, in order to get to the same position as I took the first picture, I would have to climb that flight of stone steps ... and my knees wouldn't let me.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img src="media/images/apad/11_310114102f33ef05.jpg" border="0" width="349" height="262" /></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Note: As usual I added all three images as a gallery just in case the pictures didn't show.</p>

<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--></p> <p>I've been back from the Island of Eternal Spring for 4 weeks now, so I thought it was time to show some of the sights of Tenerife.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Thanks to a cock up in the calculations, I didn't take my DSLR, so I was lumbered with an old Fuji muppet job. Refusing to be beaten, I coughed up for a new compact, and some of the results you can see below.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>This first picture was our favourite pub ... only it wasn't. I didn't realise that the camera I'd bought had a built-in 2 second delay, and I'd already moved it before the shutter operated, meaning I got a wonderful shot of the foot of the block below us, and a the lid of a car on the main street.</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img src="../media/images/apad/11_e8f14d0c3af9a1e1_2.jpg" border="0" width="400" height="300" /></p> <p>If at first you don't succeed have another bash and bugger it up again. This time I managed to get the pub, but the 2-second timer meant you couldn't move the camera at all ... and I did.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img src="../media/images/apad/11_ca4e9492d16e4a8b.jpg" border="0" width="400" height="300" /></p> <p>This third picture tells a lot of stories, particularly about my mind. The sculpture is supposed to represent a seal playing with a beach ball, but it looked to me like something rather more ... er ... reproductive. The black blob is the sun burning the pixels out and as you can see, the entire island of Tenerife tilts seriously to port. The foot is mine. I was lounging on a ... er ... lounger when I took it.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img src="../media/images/apad/11_e8f14d0c3af9a1e1_3.jpg" border="0" width="400" height="300" /></p> <p>No visit to Tenerife would be complete without taking in Las Ca&ntilde;adas national park, and one of its best know landmarks, the Queen's Shoe. Trouble was the bus driver didn't stop so I had to take this picture as we were passing. Still you can see that it looks like a high heeled shoe. You can't see it? Well look a little closer, it's in there somewhere.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img src="../media/images/apad/11_e8f14d0c3af9a1e1_4.jpg" border="0" width="400" height="300" /></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>This little tyke was a regular visitor. He only spoke pigeon English, but he understood the taste of jammie dodgers and cheese sandwiches.</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img src="../media/images/apad/11_ca4e9492d16e4a8b_1.jpg" border="0" width="400" height="300" /></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Finally, no Robinson holiday would be complete without the obligatory photo of ... the bath plug. The missus' eyes are almost as bad as mine, so she went into the bathroom where the light bulb was bigger to read the instructions on the back of the camera ... and it went off.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: center;"><img src="../media/images/apad/11_e8f14d0c3af9a1e1_5.jpg" border="0" width="399" height="254" /></p> <p style="text-align: center;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: left;">For some reason, when I check the post, the pictures are not showing, so I've included them as a gallery along the top.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--></p> <p><em>Here's a little something to brighten up a miserable and damp Wednesday evening. A friend emailed these to me. I can't vouch for it, but they purport to be genuine complaints from holidaymakers</em></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel inadequate.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The beach was too sandy.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (&pound;3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>My fianc&eacute; and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p>The Robinsons are on the move again, this time to Belgium. We've done the Netherlands, Italy, the former Yugoslavia, most of the Spanish Costas, the Balearics, Canaries, and travelled as far afield as the USA, and I see no reason why the Belgians should get away with it any longer.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>So while you lot are loafing around checking your football pools and settling in for the <em>X-Craptor</em> and <em>Strictly Come Break Your Neck</em>, Flatcap and his long-suffering missus will be on a boat from Hull to Zeebrugge to see if we can upset the dear old sprouts. The deal includes a few hours in Bruges where Her Indoors will no doubt stretch the credit card to breaking point.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>As usual, the preparations have been fraught with difficulties. Ma'am dug out the luggage and proceeded to pack sufficient warm clothing for two weeks in Antarctica, along with a range of sun hats and bikinis. "You never know what the weather's like in these strange countries," she said as she packed her Spanish phrasebook.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Since she can hardly speak English, never mind Spanish and since I'm not sure what language they speak in Belgium, I protested about the excess baggage.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"You need to be well-prepared," she said, flattening the suitcase lid on the ironing board and slapping a <em>not wanted on voyage</em> sticker over the padlock.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Deciding that tumble-dryer would not fit in any of our cases, she labelled it for delivery to our stateroom, and turned her attention to the trunk, carefully wrapping my Black &amp; Decker sander in bubble pack before placing it in the bottom of said trunk along with the heavy-duty slave batteries.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"What I like about boats," she chortled as she slotted the 37" flatscreen TV and DVD recorder into the trunk, "is there's no weight limit on your luggage."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I mentioned that there was, but it's more abstract. "When the boat settles below the Plimsoll Line, it's overloaded."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Unfortunately, it served only to remind her that she had not packed her plimsolls or the other 17 pairs of shoes she will need for 48 hours on the continent.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>While she did this, I packed my suitcase. Two shirts, two pairs of Y-fronts, two pairs of socks. My business suits, shirts, ties, jumpers, three overcoats and Wrangler loafers were already packed in the largest of our eight cases.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Why do they call them suitcases? The tiny thing she allocated to me isn't big enough to hold a suit. Chuck a towel and a toothbrush in and it's full.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I noticed that although she's trimmed down to a conservative size 14, she packed several size 18 items. When I asked why, she said, "I'll be visiting the chocolate museum."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The netbook and the DSLR, its battery fully charged, are with me and I shall be back on Monday armed with snaps and horror stories from our sojourn.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>In the meantime, be good and if you can't be good, be careful. And if you can't be careful at least remember to put your clocks back an hour tonight.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>See you Monday.</p>

<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:DoNotOptimizeForBrowser /> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-GB;} h1 {mso-style-next:Normal; margin-top:12.0pt; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:3.0pt; margin-left:0in; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; page-break-after:avoid; mso-outline-level:1; font-size:16.0pt; font-family:Arial; mso-font-kerning:16.0pt; mso-ansi-language:EN-GB;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:35.3pt; mso-footer-margin:35.3pt; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --><span lang="EN-GB"> <!--[endif]--></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Not satisfied with the disaster that was a week in Mablethorpe, Her Indoors has had me planning future tales of terror.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->&nbsp;<!--[endif]--></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">In February last year we went on a romantic weekend to Amsterdam which thanks to freezing temperatures and a busted left knee turned out to have less romance than a month in Doncaster.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->&nbsp;<!--[endif]--></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">In order to make up for that fiasco, we&rsquo;re going on another weekend jaunt to Amsterdam, by boat this time, and on Halloween, which is probably more apposite than Valentine&rsquo;s Day giving the horrors I have to endure.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->&nbsp;<!--[endif]--></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Regular readers will know that we went on a minicruise to Bilbao last November and Ma&rsquo;am was seasick ... while we were moored in Portsmouth. Never let it be said that my wife is a coward. Stupid, possibly, but she has serious bottle and we&rsquo;re going to Amsterdam by boat.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->&nbsp;<!--[endif]--></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">As if that I not enough I hit the big 6-0 in January and to celebrate, she&rsquo;s taking me to Tenerife for a week of sun, sand, sangria and se &hellip; yes well never mind. All I have to do is pay the bills.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->&nbsp;<!--[endif]--></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">So I spent yesterday finding a cheap apartment (done) and a cheap fight (almost done.) and I was almost done on the flight. I found one out of Manchester at a reasonable time of day and it was only &pound;99 return each.<span>&nbsp; </span>Then I checked a little further. If we want to take along trivia like a change of clothing, the bill goes up-, and then there&rsquo;s the check in fee, which costs more than a week&rsquo;s rent, and other bits and pieces they add on just for the hell of it. By the time I had finished, the original &pound;198 had risen to just under &pound;400.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->&nbsp;<!--[endif]--></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Wise folk will know that you can only take the mick with me once and that company will never get me on one of their Lancasters, not even if they let me sit next to the bomb-aimer.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->&nbsp;<!--[endif]--></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->Finally, Ma&rsquo;am is already talking about next summer and a week in Poole, where we will no doubt be plagued by children and idiot entertainers again. But Poole, which was my choice, has one thing going for it: a ferry to Cherbourg. And when I get there, I might not bother coming back. </span></p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p>Just a quick update from the island of eternal don&acute;t give a toss.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Scorching temperatues, topless sunbathers (not me) hot food, cool beer and I am missng home ....<strong>NOT!!!<img src="plugins/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" /></strong></p>

<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--></p> <p>My sister-in-law, Hazel, is 60 years old next week. She won't thank me for telling you, but then she doesn't read Writelink, so she won't know.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>In the same way that I celebrated my 60th by trolling off to Tenerife, Hazel is going to Rhodes for a week. Not content with her and husband Richard going alone, she's dragging the entire family of children, grandchildren, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews along with her, in a massed invasion that will probably reminded the islanders of the Italian and German occupations of World War 2.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Ma'am and I were invited ... obviously. How can you have a successful holiday without Her Indoors stretching my plastic to breaking point, and me grumbling every five minutes about everything from the sun to the price of a pint?</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>So, tomorrow morning (Monday) while you lot shiver in the 24 degrees of an English spring, Her Ladyship and I will hop into the car and clear off to Filey and fry in a rainy 13 degrees. And I mean the real Filey, not some village in Rhodes twinned with Scarborough's near neighbour. You don't seriously imagine I would be suicidal enough to wing my way to the Mediterranean and spend a week mingling with a lot of screaming brats and drunken adults, do you? Ma'am and I do enough screaming and drinking on our own.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Carol and I graciously turned down Hazel's invitation pleading my busted knees, broken ankle and dislike of taramasalata, and instead of roasting for a week in Greece, we're going to rust in Yorkshire for 5 days.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The trusty cameras will be with me (all three of them) and so will the netbook so I can keep a tally of a) the cost, b) the inevitable rows, fights and arguments I always get into and c) the overall disaster that it will obviously turn out to be. I'm one of life's early risers, Her Indoors isn't, so while I'm waiting for lazy bones to drag her ample frame out of the pit every morning, I shall do a little work on my novels and Nikki's biography.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I'll be back on Friday afternoon and a full account of the misery will appear here over successive days.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I'll be around tomorrow morning, but far too early for most of you &nbsp;lot, so in the meantime, be good, if you can't be good be careful, and if you can't be careful repaint the back fence instead.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>See you Friday.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--></p> <p>Caution: this post contains more stars then the Good Food Guide, the difference being they're rating restaurants, I'm deleting expletives.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We have returned from Filey with a vow never to go back there again. We met there, we celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary there and we've just been back, so I think Filey has given me enough punishment for one lifetime.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Leaving home at ten on Monday morning, I suffered the usual jam around Leeds, and still got to the coast for 12:30. That was the last bit of good luck we had all week. The caravan was almost brand new and a non-smoker. Argument Number 1. I didn't ask for non-*****-smoker so why was I given one? It was also colder than Reykjavik ... without the volcano.... In February. Two days went by before we found out it had central heating.&nbsp; The TV was tuned to Tyne Tees and only had the basic five channels, so not only did I have to listen to news on the construction of a second Tyne tunnel, but I had to listen to it in a Geordie accent. Not that it mattered much. The batteries in my hearing aids died after a day, and I'd forgotten to pack replacements, so I never heard anything after that.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The food on the camp was good ... provided you have just spent the last four years building the Burma railway on minimal rations. To a gourmet it was not good enough for the dustbin. Even the missus didn't like it, and she will normally eat anything, including the waiter's hand if he doesn't get out of the way sharpish.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Entertainment was excellent ... for children aged 9 and under. For the rest of us, it was non-existent. We ended up watching a shaky England team win 3-1 against a Mexican side who could play brilliant football but couldn't score goals. The following night we watched an even shakier Irish team playing Paraguay, and on the third night, we watched Sky news and endless repeats of the Bradford prostitute murders <em>(note, I do not use the politically correct, BBC pandering term "sex workers".)</em> On night four, we set off home.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The prices in this place were outrageous. &pound;2.50 for a box of microchips? Almost as dear as the microchips in my desktop. And the cheeky sods wanted over &pound;6 for a packet of fags. The biggest joke of the week was the sign outside the supermarket which read, "see the value."&nbsp; I looked, but I couldn't see it. Maybe they were talking about the value of trailing down to Morrisons in Scarborough. The prices in Tenerife were cheaper than this place, and they import most of their goods.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>During the day we visited Scarborough, most of which was shut, Bridlington, most of which was shut, and Whitby, most of which should have been shut. I took countless photographs and had countless rows with Her Indoors, mostly about a bale of genuine Egyptian towels, made in Yorkshire, and which cost more than the last service on my car. As it happens most of them will end up servicing my car when they've worn out in, say, three months.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>As usual we made the best of it, but for me it was an eye opener. I learned just how bad I have become. I am in a torrent of agony every minute of every day. Used to be that I would wander round with Her Indoors and just moan about the money she spent. Now I moan about the money and the pain of buggered up knees, hips, ankles, and other bits <em>(but I won't say which bits.)</em> All I can say is it's a good job I'm a skilled multi-tasker.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>There was some brighter news, but it had nothing to do with the Yorkshire coast. I have a meeting with the boss on Tuesday to decide where we go from here. Do they redeploy me or fire me. After a nightmare in Scarborough/Filey/Bridlington, there are no prizes for guessing which option I prefer. The thought of retiring and being press-ganged into visiting Filey again is enough to keep me working until I drop.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--></p> <p>I can't put it off any longer. I have to bury the ghost of Tenerife and I can only do that by burdening you lot with it. You deserve it.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Most of you will be aware that we went in January for a week. Bad as that was, Her Indoors decided that I needed a further two weeks of purgatory which is why we went back. For reference, I got my tan in Skegness, and I only went to Tenerife to top it up. Someone has to go there.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We landed at 12 noon in temperatures of 90-100 degrees ... and I was dressed for Manchester, complete with vest, shirt, cardigan and a body warmer. The missus has been a diet junkie for years and I found the perfect way of shedding weight. It's called dragging two suitcases which really needed heavy haulage to move them half a mile to the bus.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We hit the hotel at two o' clock and within seconds, the clothing was gone replaced by a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. Unfortunately, the shorts and shirt were still in the cases and the curtains were open causing a German woman in the hotel opposite to send for the police. By the time they arrived I was dressed and able to deny all knowledge.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>As usual they missus was on their side. "What will people think?" she said.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I replied, "Considering they're thinking it in Spanish and I don't speak a word, I don't really care."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The heat was like that all week. Oppressive. Apparently it's to do with the wind coming in off the Sahara, which is only 100 miles to the east.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"It brings the sand which traps the heat," the hotel receptionist told us.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"All that sand? So when does the cement arrive?" I asked, but she didn't understand.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We took a round the island excursion on the first Thursday. Our guide was a young German named Pieter. Thirty years old, six feet seven without his socks. When we got off the bus to see the 850-year old dragon tree at Icod, he said, "it's short walk and there's a slight incline.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>At his altitude it was a lot shorter walk than the one I took, and what was a slight incline to him was like the north face of Mt Teide to me. The tree is pictured above. Some say it's 3,000 years old, but more scholarly individuals claim that it is a mere stripling of 850 years. It doesn't look a day over 500 years old to me.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The tour then took us to the church of the Black Madonna in Candalaria. They let the wife in, but not me. They must have heard the names I was calling our guide as he dashed off ahead of us.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>We had one day of rain, which cooled the air a little ... but not much. Every day the temp was up between 90-100 degrees.&nbsp; The only cool spot I could find was in the bar of the Rumpot, where fortunately, Taffy, the manager and one of the most genial and talented guitarists/singers on the island, keeps a cool pint of Tetley bitter. Better still, his wife comes from the same area of Leeds as me, so she understood every word I said.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I did really well with the smoking. I was back up to 40 a day&nbsp; but I was picking them up for 70 cents a packet and I saved a fortune.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>There were downsides, though. My health is deteriorating rapidly, and I don't mean my breathing problem. They're my own stupid bloody fault. I mean my mobility. I cannot walk any more than about 50 yards now, and whether seated, stood, moving or still, I am in constant pain.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>An old workmate of mine, Alan, turned up with his wife Janice, after we'd been there a week, and it was great to see him. We had seven nights of old fashioned United vs City banter <em>(he's a dedicated City fan, but otherwise a sound bloke.)</em> I don't know what he must have thought seeing the way I have gone downhill.&nbsp; But then again, he's a City man and like the Spanish, he speaks a different language to me, so I'm not losing any sleep over it.</p> <p>There's a small album of piccies kicking around on the site. I'd give you the url but I can't be bothered.</p> <p>All in all, I came home brown as a berry and knee deep in debt, but I'm not deterred. Well I am, but the missus isn't. We'll be going back next year.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>

<p>I think you may be ready for the next dose of Canary Island catastrophe.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Because of my inability to walk far, we spent most of our time idling round the pool and people watching. There was one girl, slim and pretty thing she was, but if my chest swelled like that, I'd be on antibiotics.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>The missus stripped down to her cozzy, but I told her to keep her skirt on.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"You don't mind looking at their backsides," she protested.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"That's true," I agreed, "but then, they don't blot out the sun when they turn over."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I watched these clowns, playing water polo and I thought, even my dog's not daft enough to chase a ball through water. He won't go out in the rain.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I mean, when I was a teenager and you went on holiday with your mates to Cleethorpes, you didn't frolic in the sea looking for a ball. Mind, the sea never actually gets anywhere near the front at Cleethorpes. In fact, it's so far out, I'm convinced it's still in Holland. Back in those days we were looking for girls who might want to play different games.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Three young women were topless sunbathing quite nearby. Buxom girls, all of them. I noticed the nearest one had crooked toes. A gust of wind blew their parasol blew inside out. I straightened it for them. The youngest one who had the crooked toes thanked me and said she couldn't understand how it had happened. I took a page from my notebook, did a rough diagram and a basic pressure differential calculation to demonstrate the principles of aerodynamics. They were really interested. I could tell by the way they kept checking my maths on the calculators of their mobiles phones.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Her Indoors was eyeing up some musclebound poser showing off round the pool. I told her, I said, "what makes you think he'd look twice at leather skinned old sow like you?"</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>After thanking me for the compliment, she said, "It's a pity you don't have a physique like his."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>"It's all a matter of perception," I replied. "As it happens I have exactly the same physique as him. It's just arranged differently."</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>One interesting little snippet to come out of our stay was the meaning of the word Tenerife. The original inhabitants were called Guancha. Rife is their word for snow. Tene is Spanish and means "we have". Therefore, Tenerife means, "we have snow." On that basis I live in Tenerife, Manchester every winter.</p>

<p>&nbsp;</p> <p>When we go to Tenerife, we stay in the same place. Not only is the area flat, but under the apartment complex there is a parade of restaurants and right across the road is pub: The Rumpot.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Run by Steve "Taff" Martin and his wife Karen, it's the best place on the island. Taff sits on his little stool, plays the guitar, sings and generally takes the mick with the audience from nine until about ten, then hands over to whatever act he has booked for the night, before picking up the mike again to run the karaoke from about 11:15 until closing time.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>He's a talented lad, is Taff. Not only does he play the guitar left-handed, but he knows just about every song from the 1950s clear up to the 80s. He even beats me. (I fell out with music after Abba.) He employs by some of the friendliest bar staff I've ever met. I went in there every night for a fortnight and not once did they threaten to chuck me out.&nbsp; Finally, he serves the best pint of Tetley Bitter I've tasted in many a year, and I know about Tetley Bitter. I grew up near the brewery.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>While we there an old friend emailed me telling me he'd be in Tenerife was week after we left. I told him where to find me and on the Saturday after we arrived, Alan and his wife Janice turned up at the Rumpot.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>He's a sound lad, Alan. A City supporter, but then nobody's perfect. I've a sneaking respect for Mancini myself. I especially liked the theme from <em>The Pink Panther</em>. Meeting Alan and his charming wife every night for a week made a pleasant change from arguing with the missus on my own, and Her Indoors took the opportunity to spread more malicious rumours about me, but fortunately, Alan knew the truth in advance. He knows I've always been a waste of space.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>By a stroke of fortune, Alan &amp; Janice were staying at Laguna Park II while we were in Laguna Park I. The similarities end there. Although it's just up the road from version I, Laguna Park II is also just up a hill that is as steep as the east face of the Great Pyramid of Cheops. According to Janice, the road is known as Cardiac Hill and I can see why. Even the thought of walking up there was almost enough to give me the heart attack I didn't have in January.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>I say I fell out with music after Abba, but there is one exception. Meatloaf. The Rumpot puts on many shows and on the Thursday before we came home, it was a Meatloaf lookalike. For my money, Paul Lee was more of a soundalike, but he was bang on the button as Meatloaf and really had that place rocking ... especially when he sang <em>Nessun Dorma</em> from <em>Turandot</em>.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Even I was tempted to get up and start bopping to Puccini ... fortunately for everyone, my knees were playing me up so I settled for another pint of Tetley Bitter.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Even the missus agreed that Alan &amp; Janice, the Rumpot and Paul Lee helped make the holiday a little more bearable.</p>

<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--></p> <p>Exactly one year ago today, Her Indoors and I jumped on a plane and cleared off to Tenerife for a fortnight. Regular readers will know that we usually disappear three or four times a year. With retirement tightening the wallet a bit, we decided to ease up this year and we haven't been away at all... until now.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>And it's been a long haul.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Tomorrow, however, while you lot are thinking about hanging out your washing in the freezing rain, we will be basking in the glorious sunshine and sweltering temperatures of... Mablethorpe.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>There is a reason why we chose Mablethorpe over Tenerife. Nothing to do with the cost of the holiday. They work out about the same. It's all to do with rip off insurance companies and airlines.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>When I inquired about insurance for a week in Tenerife, they said because I've been tested for a heart condition, they'd have to up the premium. &pound;200. FOR A WEEK!!!! Then because I use a Ventolin inhaler, they'd need to carry oxygen on the plane there and back. &pound;300. HOW MUCH!!!</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>With my usual bluntness I told them where they could stick the insurance and if it hurt, they could use the oxygen to ease the pain. I never had a heart attack and I need no more assistance with my breathing than the occasional shot from the Ventolin.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Having got that from my doctor, I rang another insurance company and they quoted me, &pound;40. But by then, we'd already booked the caravan in Lincolnshire. So tomorrow we drive off to Mablethorpe for a week of frolicking round Skegness, Boston and Lincoln. We're going to Tenerife in January.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>So for now, be good, and if you can't be good be careful, and if you can't be careful, read <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B005MSBSEC"><strong>Flatcap - Grumpy Old Blogger</strong></a> (available for your Kindle at the click of a mouse). It'll take your mind off other things.</p>

<p><strong>DW's Guide to Holidays</strong> is now available in a range of e-formats from Smashwords, for the princely sum of $5.99 (I don't know how much that is in real money because the dog chewed up the calculator.)</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>If you love holidays, you should read this book and learn what the old git is up to. If you hate holidays and you want to learn the methods applied by skilled saboteurs, then you should invest in a copy.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>You can find DW's Guide To Holidays by clicking <a href="http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/11854">this link</a></p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>For anyone considering e-books, do yourself a favour and take a look at Smashwords. Their formatting standards are a bit stringent, and their titles don't handle pictures too well, but once you get used to the idea, they do most of the work for you, allowing you to concentrate on the writing and marketing.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p>