And all sorts of special events have been planned... but unfortunately most of them have been cancelled due to lack of money after she cleaned out my bank account last month.

I'm not going to tell you how old she is because it's a well-known fact tat a lady never discusses her age and gentleman never discusses a lady's age. I'm no gentleman but if I told you, she'd have another screaming fit.

Carol and I have been married for 30 years, and I'd like to say it's been the most wonderful three decades of my life. I'd like to say it, but I'm not given to telling lies.

It's bizarre how we came together. I was at a party and chasing her mate, Mary. Sadly Mary got drunk and although I'm not particularly fastidious about such things, I wasn't fit enough even then to carry Mary home, so I ended up with Carol.

Still and all, she's a good woman with her heart always in the right place...which makes you wonder what the hell she's doing living with me.

I have a really special treat lined up for her tonight, after lights out. Something she will really enjoy. I'm off to bed early to let her watch the X-Factor in peace. See, it's the way your minds work.

Overall, I want to let the world know that she's over 21 again, and wish her a happy birthday.

Turns from computer and speaks to Carol. "There, is that good enough? Will you give me a fiver now for a pack of cigarettes"