Mater

I was chosen to be who I became ; my gender was a given, even if it was unbeknown to me when I first became aware of my own existence. It took time for me to realise; a time in which I imagined myself both male and female, in turn.

[More:]

Most souls are genderless, you know - until they inhabit their mortal bodies. I suppose they could be said to be part of the greater collective consciousness until then (come to think of it, so was I, even if set apart). What I haven’t worked out is when this occurs; when does the soul inhabit the human body? How early on in the development of the foetus is the soul and the potential for consciousness in place? Does intuitive knowledge and instinct come before, after, or at the same time?

Anyway, the gender decision is not always fail-safe, according to Anna. I hadn’t even thought of that. What if I had been born female, after having been selected to be male, and having prepared myself as such, ready for my life ahead - and the task that was set for me? I couldn’t have completed my task, that’s for sure. And I hasten to add, aware of Anna’s glare in my direction, that this has nothing to do with differences in the sexes. Besides, she knows that; she wrote it.

It’s all to do with destiny, I suppose - and pre-determination. How can something that is pre-determined suddenly change? It can’t, can it? It wouldn’t be pre-determined if it did. Which means that personally I could not change anything - even if I wanted to at the time. My human emotions were not allowed to interfere with what I had to do.

There were a few of us who were pre-determined - surprisingly few, actually (unless I only met a few of them) - compared to the seemingly endless masses of souls moving ever forwards to a mortal life of Free Will. Sometimes I wished myself among those masses. Their futures were - and continue to be - unchartered territory. Why couldn’t I have that? I was told once that it was because I was privileged. Privileged? Privileged to be an also-ran? I was no main player, you know - but I was told that my bit part would make all the difference. So be it! I thought. I didn’t have a choice, besides which the main player had become my best pal and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. Ironic that, now I come to think of it. But why couldn’t I have Free Will?

I suppose that becoming part of this imaginary, on-going life has given me the opportunity to observe the evolution of humankind first hand (some would rather call it devolution!) - and to some extent I've been given a portion of Free Will. A very small portion. And I’m supposed to be grateful!

There’s a very good reason for my musings, in case you wondered. A brand new life is about to enter the family. Anna’s alter ego’s family, to be exact, but she has made me part of her, so it’s my family, too - even if it’s not my grandchild. Trying to pin Anna down to do some writing is almost impossible at the moment, as she and her alter ego waits - and waits - for the phone to ring. Patience is not their virtue, even if the mum-to-be still seems to possess that quality!

Junior's imminent arrival has made me think of those fools who believe that as souls we choose our bodies - as well as any disabilities - before we’re even born.
This longed-for boy-child will be delivered into loving arms; he’ll be surrounded by people who’ll shower him with love and make him secure. Why wouldn’t all souls-in-waiting choose the same, if they were given that choice? Why would anyone want to choose anything less?

But the choice isn’t theirs to make. Even with today’s genetic engineering, nobody can engineer the soul. Aspects of personality, perhaps - coded into the genes, and the brain’s synapses and neurons - but the soul itself is beyond all that. That’s my opinion, anyway.

I’m quite fond of my brain, even if it is imaginary, because it’s home to my soul. Anna likes to play with my mind, and I humour her, but she’ll never pin me down completely, nor exert her will over me. What’s that? She thinks that I’m mistaken, but that’s old news. She’s always picking holes in what I say. Anyway, I like to mess around inside her head, too - the difference being that she doesn’t know it. But I won’t say that too loud! There again, perhaps she does know, and it’s all part and parcel of our relationship. Anna sometimes thinks I’m just a mischievous mind (sorry, apparently she thinks that most of the time) - and I think she plays tricks with mine. Listen to her laughing. I knew as much!

One thing I know, and that is that the development of a mortal brain within a mortal body allows the soul who enters it the chance of a human life, filled with a myriad of potential experiences. If all life was pre-determined, it would be a boring old life, wouldn’t it? We might as well all be automatons if that was the case.

My life was limited, because of its purpose and its pre-determined status, but at least I was allowed a childhood ignorant of that fact. And it was still a full life, such as it was, but personally - perhaps egotistically (being as I have been allowed this imaginary life) - I enjoy this life rather more. Perhaps it’s the Selfish Gene, who knows? Perhaps I’m more human than I think, even now. Or perhaps, having carried out my duty and fulfilled my destiny, this is my reward. To go on forever. Seemingly, at least. Till Anna writes that last full stop.