Lorraine's blog

The ABC Checklist for New Writers is available from Amazon and at more than 150 Waterstone’s Branches across the UK. We have had brilliant reviews from Simon Whaley, Writing Magazine and many others, including Sue Kendrick and David Robinson, all of which which can be read here. If you want to know what subjects the book covers then go to the contents page on my website.

We tried our hardest to look inconspicuous, but it wasn’t easy. There were six of us: Count Dracula, the Bride of Frankenstein, Frankenstein’s Monster, an Evil Witch, a Medieval Torturer and a Pumpkin.

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My daughter sends me these little jokes each day to cheer me up, I hope you don't mind me passing them on to you.

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My daughter sent me this and I thought I'd share the humour.

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

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“One heart,” the bitch opens.

“No bid,” Andrew says, oblivious to the unmistakeable signals his wife is sending my husband.

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Résumé of Lorraine Mace

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Dear Mr U. Ranidiot,

You will find the enclosed book proposal somewhat different from the norm. I haven’t attached any chapters for your perusal, or even included a synopsis. The reasons for these omissions will, I hope, not only become clear, but also be a welcome change from the standard submission.

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Hampshire police thought that it would be a good idea to use new advertising mediums to make themselves ‘accessible’. They thus decided to advertise on the rear of a bus with the new type super-size adverts.

Unfortunately, their planning didn’t take into account the position of the exhaust pipe…

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I saw this on Yahoo's news page and just had to share it.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder has admitted not knowing people speak English in London.

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This morning the sky over Festalemps was really impressive. I thought I'd share the view with you.

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I talk to my computer, more specifically, to my email inbox. As each little envelope arrives, it becomes the recipient of my hopes for what the message might contain. It also bears the brunt of my disappointments, but hey, that’s what inanimate friends are for.

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1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

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I had an article written, reversing the horse and the cart,
But I finally found a market, a monthly ‘Til Death Do Us Part.
I love your magazine I wrote, which was patently untrue,
I’d found the name on a writers’ site, and thought that it would do.
My piece was beautifully written, the English a pleasure to read,
I’d expected an answer quickly, but was amazed at the editor’s speed.
“You love our magazine you say, but you couldn’t have read a word.
An article on bereavement for a bride’s magazine is absurd.”

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Some years had passed since they’d done more
than snuggle up and cuddle.
All that bother, sweat and toil,
had just seemed too much trouble.

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How often have you listened to a loved one say something complimentary, but meaning